ME: A Smarter, More Attractive Antoine Dodson

I find it very difficult to control my extreme anger issues when I see kids begging for money outside of grocery stores. In fact, now they’re soliciting funds at convenience stores, post offices and pharmacies too. Is there no end to this absurd money making (aka stealing) practice? I totally get the fact that partaking in sports can get expensive. I can still remember my days of new cleats and fruit punch Gatorade. It was just a short 9 years ago that I too, needed money for sports. However, my teammates and I did not plead poverty outside the local Walgreens. Have these lazy shits never heard of bake sales or car washes? Even a Chinese auction will do the trick! I have participated in more weekend car washes then I’d like to admit. I have even sold frozen pizza kits to raise money for new uniforms. Do you think I enjoyed spending my weekends delivering 338383 frozen pizzas across half the state? It was annoying but at least it was a reasonable and upstanding way to make money for my team. I’m all for donating money to sports teams but shit, can’t you work A LITTLE for it? How hard is it to slap together brownies from a box? The mix only costs about a buck and you can sell each brownie for a buck. I’m no financial planner but that sure seems profitable and freakin’ easy. If I saw some kid selling baked goods whether it was for sports or just for fun, I’d throw him even more cash than he was asking for. One particularly cold day, I was flagged down by some 8th graders for a car wash in THE RAIN. Now, who the HELL gets their car washed in THE RAIN? Not me, but I sure as hell did that day. Those were some honorable kids making money the right way. All these lazy fucktards are going to be lazy fucktards when they grow up. Great job coaches and parents of beggar kids, you’re really doing a great job with the next generation! Soon enough we’ll have 35 yr old soccer players outside of WAWA. HIDE YO CHANGE, Homeboy!

My "Lifetime" on the Couch

I've been watching a lot of the Lifetime Movie Network lately and I've noticed numerous commercials about menopause and incontinence. It's not exactly fair to assume I'm over a woman over the age of 45. I'm actually a 27 year old YOUNG woman; I just have a lot of time on my hands! The truth is that I actually like Lifetime movies! Many are strange but they suck me in! There are so many awesome Lifetime movies such as the one about 90 pregnancies in one high school, the one about a woman who sets a house on fire and kidnaps their baby and my ultimate favorite, the one where a guy passes syphilis around to 14 year old girls. Sometimes I'll just be channel surfing and I accidentally pause on LMN. After that, I'm stuck on the couch for 2-6 hours, depending on whether or not I feel I have something more important or more productive to do then watching LMN. It's a terrible addiction which I readily admit to my best friend whenever it starts. She understand because she has the compulsion for LMN too! However, she has 2 kids and a job which I guess, can be considered slightly more important than my life! Happy lifetime!

The Waiting Game Staring: ME

I've been spending a lot of time at Newark airport lately: I pick up Aunt B every Thursday night. I've come to realize the airport, or perhaps the people at the airport, are quite strange. I'm forced to witness the awkward hello's and goodbye's while waiting for B. And there are the people who park in the exact spot where it's clearly marked "NO PARKING." Those people boggle my mind because there are 338383 other places to park and wait. I also love the cops that come around and force everyone away from the curb. Now we have 383383 mindless people circling Newark airport. Some of them are the ridiculously fast people: No blinkers, no cares(Don't you know it's the Daytona 500?) OR worse, the slow people: Sunday drivers at rush hour(Impossible to get around.)I feel very anxious on Thursdays.

However, It just might be worse on the inside. Last week, in an non-Picking-up-Aunt-B trip, I was sitting by myself near my gate when a business woman sits down next to me. She proceeds to make 38383 crazy, loud sales calls (Selling the #1 worst thing: CARS.) I wanted to punch her in the face; I freakin' hate pushy people! Down the aisle a bit was "Miss.I gotta call mom...I'm so scared." Now, I have nothing against people who are scared of flying(although, it REALLY is safer than driving but you'd be "CRAZY" if you were scared of cars) but much like Mrs.Salesman, I'd rather you sit in an unoccupied row if you're going to be loud and annoying! Needless to say, It was an awkward waiting period for everyone involved.

It Only Hurts When You're 18

There are many many reasons to lie about your age. Some of these reasons made perfect sense for me, many years ago. Fortunately, times have changed and I no longer desire or even need, to lie. It seems like just yesterday that JLW (formally known as JLA) and I were lying to a few 27-28 year old guys. We were 18-19 and 20 seemed so much better and older. So then, we were know as 20 year old's. If we has said 21, then they would have guessed we were lying (We can't get into bars!)

We used to meet up with our older fella's after the bars closed. I'd always be thinking "OMG, I am not going to bar's when I'm 28!" I thought for sure that I'd be married with a few kids and that I'd have no interest in getting wasted at 2am. Well, I was mostly wrong. No hubby or kids and I only stay out till 12:30! I really don't know how people my age can stay out drinking all night. Hangovers last me days instead of hours and I need to function on weekends. Forget about drinking all night and going to work the next day; I'd never make it there.

Looking back now, lying about our age seems silly. At least now, I can say that I'm 27 knowing that I barely look 21! Happy aging!

Jason: My New Love Affair

After a day of boredom, I decided to get my nails done. As I walked in, I was greeted by a lovely gay boy. Within five minutes I knew his favorite color(Purple, which was also the color of his shirt), his work schedule (8-10hours, depending on the day) and his birthday (Jan 7th...two days after mine which excitedly him greatly!) We became close friends and he informed me that his nickname is "Jason." Jason is a great nickname for an Asian because frankly, I can understand it. I really couldn't understand anything else he was said. I simply smiled and laughed after he spoke and I'm pretty sure it went with the context of the conversation because he did the same! Anyway, "Jason" sure beats my nickname, "WhalesPailsofNails" (which my sister, Alea gave me waaaaaay back in the day.) I much prefer other nicknames given to me such as Tails, T-money, TC and my all-time favorite, T-Baggy (Thanks Aunt Pam!) In short, I love "Jason." I Mostly love him because he's so cute and gay BUT I also love him because he told me "You're a nice girl with nice nails and a nice body."

Halloween 365

I stopped writing blogs but I thought it was fitting to start up again because you all have to meet CRAZY Christine! Crazy Christine is my neighbor. She has 3 teeth, a raspy voice and multiple boyfriends; She is like Halloween all year! I used to live on the 3rd floor and I rarely saw or heard her BUT I could always smell her! She must smoke 383383 cig's(and probably crack!)in the hallway and her cooking well, it smells like she's frying squirrel carcasses! A few months ago I moved to the first floor which was nice because (as you might know)odor travels up! However, what I did not take into account is the fact that her apartment is directly above my living room. She must be like 97 years old because she blasts her TV and radio quite loud 24/7. Also, she has a new WT "boyfriend" named Charlie who she likes to stomp, slam and scream at all day long. I almost didn't mind my pictures falling off the walls. It really didn't effect me much until I had a leak in my bedroom and I was forced to sleep in the living room. I tried ear plugs which do in fact, drown out Craig's snoring, but they don't make a dent in her noise pollution, I haven't said anything to her because the fact is, I'm moving in 2 weeks. BUT last night while sitting on the porch with my only normal neighbor, Mark, she started up a conversation with us. She was mostly complaining about her broken hand which was caused by punching a wall(I recall that night because I only got 3 hours of sleep.) I'm pretty glad to know she can't cook, button her pants or wipe her ass (Bitch, I miss my sleep!) Anyway, she said and I quote "Man, I have these really noisy neighbors next to me...It's driving me crazy." In short, I think if there hadn't been a witness, I would have shanked the crackhead!

Bum's away

I finally got a call back from a job that, from all angles, looked promising. So, I went for the first interview and overall, it seemed good! I wasn't a big fan of the guy (also interviewing) in the waiting room who was hitting one me. I'm thinking come on dude, this isn't the right place to pick up chic's! Also, I've always been told "make sure your handshake it firm or prospective employers will look down upon you." Is it weird if I look down upon my prospective employer for his handshake? Anyway, I got a good vibe from the place despite limp, shady handshakes and shadier guys (after all, they haven't screened anyone yet!)

So, second interview day comes. I was told that I'd be shadowing a guy who does my future job. I was also told that it was a "full day," so be prepared. I was ready to go while begging god to let this be a legitimate job (perhaps a good paying one too!) Needless to say, God let me down today.

I still don't know much about the job except some speculation, when I'm thrown into the car with nelson (the driver...he doesn't speak much English) and Damien (the passenger... he's wearing royal blue slacks.) The non-American's car is old and smelly and DIRTY. I have nothing against old cars! After all, my first car was a 1989 stanza but I kept it spotless and lovely smelling. Anyway they seem nice enough so, I start asking down to earth questions about the job. I soon find out the ridiculous facts: it's door-to-door "free info," commission based and the hours are horrendous (9am-8pm plus Saturday!) I forgot to mention the fact that we're also on our way to somerset. I start to freak and demand that they drop me off at the next shopping center. One of the guys asks "So, the boss didn't mention any of this?" UH, NO! In short, they drop me off on the side of route 33. Meanwhile, my blisters and I finally make our way to a bench near wal-mart and I start contemplating my life. I start to cry (yes, I know...How embarrassing.) It's not like I'm crying over this shady job; It's this unemployed life that's bringing me down.

30K and 6 years worth of college and I can't find a job that makes me happy? I should have been a teacher or a nurse; Perhaps that schooling would have had better outcomes. BUT It's too late for me now. Then, I start thinking, who the hell would want to marry a forever-unemployed person? Can they even be loved? OK, So I'll be a spinster. Perhaps, I'll go on welfare? Oh wait, I think you need an illegitimate child for that. OK, I'll get knocked up. At least I'll have a kid that loves me, for me.

As my mind spirals out of control, Aunt B comes to rescue me. THANK GOD. I later head south for some much need mommy TLC. The first thing my mom says is "Did you know that your skirt is see-through? Everyone can see your cheeks!" SO, I showed my ass in an interview? I don't know what the lesson is here but hey, I did notice a lot of smiles today.