Monday, July 6, 2009

Bug Bites: My Only Souvenir

There are A LOT of freakin' bugs in Key Largo. Need proof? Well, I'm not going to show you my poor bum which is stricken by 328383 mosquito bites. BUT I will tell you this: I have, in total, 38 bug bites (Yes, I stripped down and counted them!) I spent countless hours of my vacation scratching myself until I could no longer feel the horrific itch. During the day you could easily find me applying various remedies such as cortizone creme, rubbing alcohol and ice(all of which didn't help, by the way.)I was also popping allergy medicine like it was crack. One night I woke up to scratch my leg and almost started to cry when I couldn't get the pills out of the damn blister pack! After a day or two I realized those shitty med's weren't working and I accepted my reality; A REALLY ITCHY life.

Anyway, the condo we were staying in made me chuckle because the bedspread was from 1982 (I'm positive about this.)Immediately I decided that we were no longer going to use the elevator because that too was from 1982 and I sure as hell was not getting stuck in there! It seemed like a good choice at first until I got to the 4th floor; All sweaty and gasping for air. Either way we made the journey up and down four flights of stairs 5-6 times a day. I feel good about it now; perhaps it makes up for the 3383838 beers I drank?

On the second morning there I also decided that Dave and I are NEVER getting a king size bed. I woke up lonely, cold and on the opposite side of the bed. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED to spooning Taylor?!? I told Dave that king size beds are for 3 people and we are 2 so, It's not happening! Not to mention the fact that when I woke up to the loudest thunder EVER, Dave was like 6 miles away. I was scared and he was snoring. Now, I could say this is because Dave is a heavy sleeper but nah, I'm going with the fact that it's a king size! Speaking of weather, it rained EVERY day and I'm not talking about drizzle. It was heavy downpours for at least a part of 7 days straight. One afternoon is rained so hard, I became nervous. The wind was blowing shit everywhere and I thought for sure death was coming. The hell-like storm passed but I really don't think islands are cool during hurricane season!

I had some really crazy hair there. Dave said he liked the "wild" look but I didn't. On day 6 I finally quit the curly look and succumbed to my straighter. I felt human again! Sorry Dave!

We made pancakes almost everyday (I really love them.) Some days I made bacon with them. On day 5 Dave realized that I was feeding him turkey bacon and called me deceitful! LOL He also said I'm on a health kick because I feed him whole grain pancakes, turkey bacon and wheat croutons. He can think what he wants; I just enjoy the healthy stuff!

We went on a few long bike rides while we were there. We must have been freakin' nutty to be riding 10 miles in the Florida sun. After a mile we were both soaked and I was pretty cranky! We did manage to stop at the adult boutique. I kind of felt like a 15 year old riding my bike to a porn store! LOL

One day we took a road trip to Key West. It took like 38383 years to get there. The scenery was interesting to say the least. The medians in the Keys are sky blue which was pretty. I didn't quite understand the
slow down...deer habitat ahead" sign. How are there only deer in one little spot of the Keys? And I said to Dave: "I wonder if deer are happy here...They must eat fish...they live on the beach!" We both laughed at that because he said they like to eat grass in NJ. Any who, There are like 38383 Keys and may favorite is called the "No Name Key;" How god damn original! The whole way to Key West I kept kicking myself for not bringing my bathing suit; there were 373737 teal-blue,swimming spots and it was 95 degrees! I decided to buy a new bikini while in Key West. To my surprise I found a swimsuit store that was having a "going out of business" sale. I tried on 3838388 bikini's but only one fit my el largo bum. I ended up having to buy a large bottom! How horrible but at least I had to get a large top too! Wooohoo, I guess I have the boobs to match! The suit was adorable, fit perfectly and I thought for sure it had to be cheap; Signs said 75% off! I almost crapped my pants when the register said $72! What a freakin' scam that store was! I ended up buying it because I HAD TO HAVE IT! After all, It was on the cover of Sports Illustrated!

On the way back, after some Key Lime Pie, we stopped for swimming. I couldn't wait to get in the crystal clear water (It was just so damn hot in FL!) To our surprise, the ocean was like a hot tub; So hot that it felt like your skin was peeling off! We went at least a mile out into the shallow water and turned back; I was just sweaty and getting nervous with all the crabs floating around! I kept thinking that there sure are a lot of Cubans in the Keys...I guess it's just a short 90 mile swim in shark infested, hot tub water! Wow, What a waste of time that "swim" was! I decided to lose my bottoms before we got in the car because they were wet. I've never gone commando with a skirt on before and I don't recommend it! As I got out of the car I must have flashed 7 random people. I really feel for Britney spears now!

One day we went snorkeling on a huge fishing boat. I was glad I didn't get seasick like I usually do. I did however get horrible blisters from the fins. I had to quit before I ever got to see underwater Jesus (Bloody feet aren't so great for keeping away sharks!) I don't know if I really enjoy snorkeling that much. However, the best part came on the way back when we saw a dolphin jumping next to the boat! sooo cute!

In short, I'd definitely wear bug spray next time and perhaps ask one of those Cubans for a "Cuban" sandwich! hahahah

Ok, BYE!

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