Monday, March 22, 2010

Cougar In The City

The other day I was walking with LL at the Seaside parade when some random guy jumped in front of us. Apparently, he wanted to converse with us but all I wanted was a beer (I was late and my beer intake was pretty low!) So, we giggle and walk around him. THEN he yells "You're told old for us anyway!" Now, why is it assumed I'm too old for a "21" year old? Could it possibly be that I just don't find your attractive?!? I later asked a guy we knew if I could pass for 21 and he agreed. I was also told just last week that "you couldn't possibly be 26...I thought 19 or 20!" Am I turning into a cougar? I have always joked with AK that we're cougars and superfoxes but now when I think back to that...we we're uh, 21 then! So, now I'm wishing I never said I was a cougar (I'll keep superfox because that is so ridiculously true!) Well, 30 is looming closer and closer and I'm still getting nervous! Off to buy wrinkle cream!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

This Is My Brain On...Crack?

My memory really bothers me and truthfully, It doesn't make sense at all. I'm starting to think that I might need professional help because my memory is driving me crazy. Here's the thing: I can't remember long term stuff such as the name of my third grade teacher. In my defense, it was at least 18 years ago but I know people who can remember smaller things more years ago! I also can't remember short term stuff such as what I was doing last Wednesday and I'd like to remember because... well, it was hump day! What if it was amazing? What if I did something worth while?'s quantum physics... maybe Wednesday never even happened! Anyway, the point is that I can remember A LOT of other stuff. BUT there are things that would be better left forgotten!

I'm sure everyone gets this but isn't it crazy that you can hear a song and instantly you're in a memory? The other day, while driving, I heard a song and wham: It's July 2007 and I'm back to miserable. I'm struggling, lonely, over worked and under paid. All for a VERY stupid lovesick dream. If only 2007 had been a dream!

It's almost unfair when I hear this one song (which unfortunately, was a #1 hit and is STILL played all the time) because I'm always thrown back into December 2005; A VERY unsure time. Who the HELL wants to feel unsure? It's a terrible way to feel and yet, I'm there at least monthly.

Just today I had another one of these episodes. I was smack in the middle of Mother's Day 2008. AND no it is not my mother who invaded this memory. It was my lack of self control and frankly, my CRAZY lack of good judgment. Eh, it's a long story!

Why is it that so many good memories fade and the somewhat evil ones stay? Maybe this is some sort of punishment or perhaps maybe it's just time to lay off the booze! Naaaaaahhh, It can't possibly be the second one. ;) Mostly because that makes me look like an alcoholic. AND there is nothing wrong with alcoholics except for the fact that I'm not one. I'm a responsible drinker...........most of the time. Just kidding mom! aaaah

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Taylor's Law

I took a trip down memory lane today. It was a pretty shitty vacation. In fact, I wish I'd gone anywhere else; Even to the dentist! Anyway, I was in search of a few old pictures to fill my photo coasters. Unfortunately, on the hunt I found 383838 pictures of ex's. Who the hell wants to look at those?! AND I'm thinking "Why the hell did I take so many?!" The question now stands: What should I do with these photos? Burning them in a huge fire pit first pops into my head. I would Especially like to burn the ones of a certain ex. BUT what if my memory fades? Do I even want to remember?! There has to be at least 383838 memories that I wish to erase from my head but only time will tell if they truly disappear. As for the random shots...well, perhaps I'll let them stay in my albums for now. BUT I propose a new law against relationship pictures; I'm OK with a 6 month waiting period before you're allowed to snap a picture. Sure, it's longer than the waiting period for a gun but believe me...these can cause way more damage!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm Not in Kansas Anymore

I woke up today, day 3 of unemployment, and decided that I needed to start reading again. I used to love reading! I used to love it so much that I could easily read a 500 page book in one sitting. So, I made my way to this library that I had once passed while jogging. After an hour of collecting books I made my way to the check-out counter. I asked for a new library card because I'm new to Monmouth county. I find out they charge $50 dollars for one and then, ridiculously sensitive me, starts crying. Since when do libraries cost money?!? I start explaining that I've always lived in Ocean county and it's never cost me a dime! All of a sudden 5 Librarians come out of the woodwork to subdue me (Or so they might hope.)Now, 6 nerdy book lovers are staring at me and one says "well, I was at a library the other day and it cost $75!" Is this supposed to make me feel better?! F you lady, books are free where I come from! AND why the hell are you traveling to other libraries anyway?! Don't you get enough boredom at work?? I storm out of there wondering why the hell I moved here. Monmouth county sure is snoody! I'm very confused because I thought rich people just bought books!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Pheromones: The Scent of Yesterday

I heard that somewhere across the pond you can buy "grilled-meat" scented cologne. Women, apparently, find the scent of grilled meat to be sexy. I however, don't see how this statement can be true. I don't even enjoy grilling! I'm scared to turn the grill on and coming inside smelling like smoke is hardly appealing. There is nothing worse than feeling like you were just smoked! Sure, I like eating grilled meat but the thought of smelling like a t-bone steak rubs me the wrong way. So, maybe there are some ladies out there who might fancy a meaty aroma on their guy but I think I'd prefer a veggie-scented man. After all, my veggie-scented man is probably a bit more fit.

Another new invention that interests me is bacon-scented soap! There is a company someone selling this lovely soap and I wish I could just get a whiff! The idea of cleansing my body and coming out smelling like Sunday morning breakfast, intrigues me. This soap is most likely geared towards men but i'm thinking they should have a version for women. Isn't the way to a man's heart through his stomach? The advertisement could read: "Ladies, no need to cook for your man...Just smell like you did! Caution: This product may lead to bite marks." It sure sounds inviting to me.

Whatever happened to good old pheromones? I wish people would revert back to smelling like humans. I prefer finding a date the old fashioned way: Smelling for him! Of course, if you want to cheat your way into a man's heart, you can buy a pheromone additive for your perfume. I personally don't see this as a legit course of action when it comes to dating. If you're going to fake your smell than why don't you throw on a wig too? I'm not saying that you shouldn't wear perfume or cologne but just that perhaps, you should try out your pheromones for a change! Animals sniff out mates all the time. Some animals such as swans, mate for life. Of course, there are some animals(and people...I'm sure) that use pheromones for short-term mating. I, on the other hand, recommend sniffing for love (or lust!)

I suppose it doesn't matter how you smell as long as the person smelling you likes it. However, all that bacon, meat and whatever else you doused on your neck (and probably shirt, pants, hair ) won't last forever.