Friday, February 26, 2010

Bury Me In Ocean GRAVE

I love OG but it should be renamed Ocean Grave! The old folks are freakin' driving me crazy. There are only two types of old people in OG. There are the ones who are extremely cautious or the ones who don't give a damn about anything. There is no middle ground here just tons of crazies walking and, god forbid, driving!

The other day I stopped home on my lunch break to get something and as I'm driving out of OG, I get stuck behind grandma. I was doing 20MPH and I have to slam on my breaks to avoid hitting her bumper. She's doing a cool 15MPH and proceeds to turn around and give me the finger. All the while, she keeps slamming on her breaks every 20 seconds. After a ridiculously long 5 minutes, she finally pulls over to the right side of the road and as I'm passing, I see her yelling obscenities. Soooooorry Dottie but the speed limit is 25MPH and you're being a freakin' nutty! Isn't OG such a nice religious town?!

Fast forward to today. I'm driving in OG, very slowly, I might add (It's a blizzard!) and this 173 year old couple crosses the street in front of me with out even a glance in either direction. I slam on my breaks and slide to a stop on the left. I'm thinking "thank GOD, I didn't hit those oldies" but I'm pretty sure they were thinking " Earl, would ya look at that whippersnapper...she almost killed us!" So, I finally continue on but not with out death stares from the odd couple, Earl and Gladys.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Ditch this!

The worst part of dating has to be ditching the guys who don't do it for you. 97% of me wants to just "disappear" much like how 99.9% of guys do when they're not into you. 2% of me wants to send a quick text saying "Hey, It's been fun but it's over!" and the other 1% "wants" to place an actual call. Dating is beat!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Diamonds Are Not My Best Friend

I must have been sprawled out out on my bed, sneakers on, staring at the ceiling for a good 45 minutes. I was contemplating 1 of 3 things: Jumping out the window, doing the huge pile of dishes or eating some sugar. I went with the sugar; It always heals. I imagine booze has the same effect, only I need more of it and despite my mood, I'm still watching those calories! Anyway, it was a terrible, terrible day. I wouldn't say it was horrific because I've had much worse but it was bad. DGR sure doesn't make my life easy. In fact, he really just pisses me off. Sometimes I wish that he wasn't a pathological liar or even better: that I lacked a spine. Perhaps I could have continued on with him knowing he was lying about everything under the sun. All this ridiculousness could be erased from my memory and things could be the way they were before. But I have a spine AND a brain; No liar will ever be the one.

It all started with asking him when he was going to mail me the monthly check for the ring. You see, I have this $5K ring that sits in my apartment. It's sits around in the box for weeks until that certain day when I'm feeling odd. Then, I slip the ring on, not because I'm sad that I'm not marrying him but more or less because I'm sad about not getting to wear it. It's my ring and my ex/non-dream guy wants to re gift it to a new chic. I can't fathom my dream ring on another hand; especially someone he loves. So, I place it back in the box and stash it in the dark. That ring is as terrible as today but I can't let it go.

Anyway, he ruined my day and I should throw that ring out the window. OK, maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Dolla' Drama

Yesterday, against my best judgment, I went to the dollar store. It was ridiculously crowded with people buying their valentines..well, uh...valentines. It's not exactly the ideal place that I'd like MY valentine to shop for a gift but then again, I don't have a valentine(I must have forgotten!) Anyway, as I'm waiting in the abnormally long line, I realize exactly what town I'm in. It's humorous because I said "I'm not going to the Asbury dollar store...I'll get shanked for my $1.07" but here I am stuck between chic with 7 different baby daddy's and world's most WT guy. I thought Neptune City would shield me from the hoodlums but I was wrong. I'm losing patience waiting in line when some ghetto twenty-something at the front starts yelling "I ain't paying a dolla' 29 for some cheap ass balloon...What kind of f'n dolla' store is this?" She proceeds to storm out of the store like she made some kind of HUGE political statement. All this over $.22? I chuckle knowing she's gonna go to Walgreens and pay $2.99. In short, I will never go to the "dolla'" store again. In fact, I will never go to Neptune again! Hey China! You can't have my money!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Crazy Cracked Up Christine

If I had any speck of doubt that section 8 people lived in my apartment's long gone! Yesterday crazy Christine from the second floor volunteered to help me "shovel" out my car. Here's how it went down: I'm outside clearing off my car and crazy Christine hops out of a taxi, smelling like booze (This is typical.) I'm slightly confused. Is she JUST getting home? It's 7am and she's wasted! Anyway, she says "I'll be right back down to help." Ten minutes later she is shoving a sad excuse for chocolate chip cookies in my face "AH, I made these for you!" No one in their right mind would eat cookies from a crackhead but I say thanks and leave them on the curb. So, now she is attempting to crack the ice off my BRAND NEW car with a shovel! I cringe in fear of dings and scratches and pull the shovel from her hand! Anyway, in the end I got my car out. I was just a little concerned because 45Min's later she was still shoveling the street! I guess crack for crackheads is as good as spinach for popeye.

PS. Almost inside, I hear "TAYLOR... Don't forget your cookies!" DAMN, I was trying to forget them! Soon as I'm safe in my apartment, I say "YUCK" out loud and toss those filthy things in the trash! Later that evening I hear her banging on all of the neighbors doors and yelling "YO, more cookies!!" God, I love this apartment.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Is That Hyper Thyroidism or Just Plain Scary?

I can't believe I wasted perfectly good mascara on this date! I can only thank God for the fact that it was just coffee, not dinner! The last hour and a half were spent with these googly brown eyes staring back at me and honestly, I was getting kind of nervous! At least 3 times during the date I caught myself thinking "Wow, I wish I had one of those panini sandwiches!" Anyway, Gaylord Focker kept talking about himself and all I kept thinking was "HELLOOOOO, 30 year old virgin!" It's never a good idea to talk about STD's on a first date but that didn't stop this dude; He brought up chlamydia at least 3 times. Somewhere in the conversation I blurted out "Yeah, dating is tough...I think I'm gonna become a spinster" and that didn't even stop him from blabbing. I wish I had enough balls to have left in the first 5 minutes because that's about when I was done chugging my Venti Soy Vanilla Chai! Note to self: Always get a small drink and make it a iced one (Easier to chug! Ohhhh my mouth!) So, finally the place was closing (THANK YOU Starbucks for closing so early) and I could escape. He asked me which car was mine and for second I contemplated lying! I'm thinking "OMG this idiot is going to follow me home and shank me!" BUT I told him anyway and he says "Oh Really... I totally thought you were a truck kind of girl!" Oh thanks GAYLORD...I must be Butch! In the end, I learned a valuable lesson. If you have a date planned and you get the sniffles, STAY HOME. I'll never get those 90 minutes of my life back.