Monday, August 22, 2011

ME: A Smarter, More Attractive Antoine Dodson

I find it very difficult to control my extreme anger issues when I see kids begging for money outside of grocery stores. In fact, now they’re soliciting funds at convenience stores, post offices and pharmacies too. Is there no end to this absurd money making (aka stealing) practice? I totally get the fact that partaking in sports can get expensive. I can still remember my days of new cleats and fruit punch Gatorade. It was just a short 9 years ago that I too, needed money for sports. However, my teammates and I did not plead poverty outside the local Walgreens. Have these lazy shits never heard of bake sales or car washes? Even a Chinese auction will do the trick! I have participated in more weekend car washes then I’d like to admit. I have even sold frozen pizza kits to raise money for new uniforms. Do you think I enjoyed spending my weekends delivering 338383 frozen pizzas across half the state? It was annoying but at least it was a reasonable and upstanding way to make money for my team. I’m all for donating money to sports teams but shit, can’t you work A LITTLE for it? How hard is it to slap together brownies from a box? The mix only costs about a buck and you can sell each brownie for a buck. I’m no financial planner but that sure seems profitable and freakin’ easy. If I saw some kid selling baked goods whether it was for sports or just for fun, I’d throw him even more cash than he was asking for. One particularly cold day, I was flagged down by some 8th graders for a car wash in THE RAIN. Now, who the HELL gets their car washed in THE RAIN? Not me, but I sure as hell did that day. Those were some honorable kids making money the right way. All these lazy fucktards are going to be lazy fucktards when they grow up. Great job coaches and parents of beggar kids, you’re really doing a great job with the next generation! Soon enough we’ll have 35 yr old soccer players outside of WAWA. HIDE YO CHANGE, Homeboy!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My "Lifetime" on the Couch

I've been watching a lot of the Lifetime Movie Network lately and I've noticed numerous commercials about menopause and incontinence. It's not exactly fair to assume I'm over a woman over the age of 45. I'm actually a 27 year old YOUNG woman; I just have a lot of time on my hands! The truth is that I actually like Lifetime movies! Many are strange but they suck me in! There are so many awesome Lifetime movies such as the one about 90 pregnancies in one high school, the one about a woman who sets a house on fire and kidnaps their baby and my ultimate favorite, the one where a guy passes syphilis around to 14 year old girls. Sometimes I'll just be channel surfing and I accidentally pause on LMN. After that, I'm stuck on the couch for 2-6 hours, depending on whether or not I feel I have something more important or more productive to do then watching LMN. It's a terrible addiction which I readily admit to my best friend whenever it starts. She understand because she has the compulsion for LMN too! However, she has 2 kids and a job which I guess, can be considered slightly more important than my life! Happy lifetime!

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Waiting Game Staring: ME

I've been spending a lot of time at Newark airport lately: I pick up Aunt B every Thursday night. I've come to realize the airport, or perhaps the people at the airport, are quite strange. I'm forced to witness the awkward hello's and goodbye's while waiting for B. And there are the people who park in the exact spot where it's clearly marked "NO PARKING." Those people boggle my mind because there are 338383 other places to park and wait. I also love the cops that come around and force everyone away from the curb. Now we have 383383 mindless people circling Newark airport. Some of them are the ridiculously fast people: No blinkers, no cares(Don't you know it's the Daytona 500?) OR worse, the slow people: Sunday drivers at rush hour(Impossible to get around.)I feel very anxious on Thursdays.

However, It just might be worse on the inside. Last week, in an non-Picking-up-Aunt-B trip, I was sitting by myself near my gate when a business woman sits down next to me. She proceeds to make 38383 crazy, loud sales calls (Selling the #1 worst thing: CARS.) I wanted to punch her in the face; I freakin' hate pushy people! Down the aisle a bit was "Miss.I gotta call mom...I'm so scared." Now, I have nothing against people who are scared of flying(although, it REALLY is safer than driving but you'd be "CRAZY" if you were scared of cars) but much like Mrs.Salesman, I'd rather you sit in an unoccupied row if you're going to be loud and annoying! Needless to say, It was an awkward waiting period for everyone involved.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It Only Hurts When You're 18

There are many many reasons to lie about your age. Some of these reasons made perfect sense for me, many years ago. Fortunately, times have changed and I no longer desire or even need, to lie. It seems like just yesterday that JLW (formally known as JLA) and I were lying to a few 27-28 year old guys. We were 18-19 and 20 seemed so much better and older. So then, we were know as 20 year old's. If we has said 21, then they would have guessed we were lying (We can't get into bars!)

We used to meet up with our older fella's after the bars closed. I'd always be thinking "OMG, I am not going to bar's when I'm 28!" I thought for sure that I'd be married with a few kids and that I'd have no interest in getting wasted at 2am. Well, I was mostly wrong. No hubby or kids and I only stay out till 12:30! I really don't know how people my age can stay out drinking all night. Hangovers last me days instead of hours and I need to function on weekends. Forget about drinking all night and going to work the next day; I'd never make it there.

Looking back now, lying about our age seems silly. At least now, I can say that I'm 27 knowing that I barely look 21! Happy aging!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Jason: My New Love Affair

After a day of boredom, I decided to get my nails done. As I walked in, I was greeted by a lovely gay boy. Within five minutes I knew his favorite color(Purple, which was also the color of his shirt), his work schedule (8-10hours, depending on the day) and his birthday (Jan 7th...two days after mine which excitedly him greatly!) We became close friends and he informed me that his nickname is "Jason." Jason is a great nickname for an Asian because frankly, I can understand it. I really couldn't understand anything else he was said. I simply smiled and laughed after he spoke and I'm pretty sure it went with the context of the conversation because he did the same! Anyway, "Jason" sure beats my nickname, "WhalesPailsofNails" (which my sister, Alea gave me waaaaaay back in the day.) I much prefer other nicknames given to me such as Tails, T-money, TC and my all-time favorite, T-Baggy (Thanks Aunt Pam!) In short, I love "Jason." I Mostly love him because he's so cute and gay BUT I also love him because he told me "You're a nice girl with nice nails and a nice body."