This rainy hump day really got me thinking about the past; specifically CSL. I’m glad that a year had passed and my ridiculous feelings have left the building known as my head! However, I’m still kind of angry. I’m sure I'll eventually forget, as I do most things but forgive? Nah, that ain’t happening! It’s nearly impossible to forget my time in NY. I can’t remember any good times. I can’t even remember any good times after I moved out! He conned me into thinking he was in love with me but that wasn’t the case!
He was so moody and not only was he shitty to me but to his mom as well. AND the worst part was that she was always so nice to him. The worst thing she ever did was ask him where he was going! That reminds me of the time when I came home at 9:30pm after 12 hours of work and school and he wasn’t home. I started getting worried. He was always home at that time. He wasn’t answering his phone and then he comes home like nothing was wrong. I asked him to just leave me a simple note saying where he was going and he flipped out; saying I’m controlling! Who knew caring was also known as controlling bitch!? Anyway, I’m the least jealous/nosy person ever! I never once looked at his phone or even thought he was cheating! This is precisely why he got away with cheating! I guess I’m the best person to cheat on…it’s like I’m in my own little bubble of faux happiness! I almost cheated on him once. There was this cute guy who always came to visit me at work. He bugged me for months about having a drink with him and so, one day I finally gave in. CSL was out with his friends and I figured it was just a drink. We went out for a few hours but then I started to feel guilty, so I went home. It turns out CSL wasn’t out with his friends. He had cooked me a romantic dinner and he even had wine! I felt pretty shitty about it but don’t start feeling bad for him; that was the like the only time he ever did anything sweet for me. AND I ALWAYS came home after work; he didn’t.
I’d like to go back to the fact that I went to school full-time and worked two shitty jobs while living with him. When I first moved to NY, I decided not to go to the gym and I LOVE the gym!! BUT I just couldn’t afford it. After 10 long weeks of feeling shitty and feeling like a fattie, he said he would pay for the gym. However, it always seemed like I was begging for the money every month. So, I decided to get a job at the daycare there! It was truly horrible. I always ended up having to watch 25 kids at one time. It’s kind of tough feeding 3 newborns and policing 12 toddlers at the same time. Let me just tell you this: It was shitty pay but at least going to the gym was free and I didn’t have to beg anymore!
I also asked him to pay for my birth control because after all, he didn’t want a baby either! And that was the SAME situation: Begging. He made me split the food shopping bill too. I mean seriously…$100 bucks a month was nothing to him. I knew how much he made because he made me a budget on excel. I saw his by accident and I almost cried. According to mine, I was negative $65 a month not including any unexpected expenses (god forbid I ever wanted to buy myself something!). My crappy retail job wasn’t paying anything either. I was working a two-person job for $10 an hour. I can’t believe I even worked for $10 an hour! What a freakin’ idiot! I watched my hard earned savings dwindle to nothing every time my car payment was due. I don't know why I would even feel bad asking him for money. Perhaps it was the fact that he should have been providing for me?! Afterall I did change MY WHOLE LIFE to move to NY to be with him.
Well, I was smart enough to move out(kind of late) but not smart enough to dump him right away. I let him and his crap continue for many more months. ACTUALLY, I let him continue to harass me for another 6 months after we broke up; He called/text/e-mailed/etc. WTF?! He even went as far as to call me from the Dominican Republic; he was on OUR vacation with a “friend.” Anyway, I consider it my fault; wasting 3 years and all. The lesson learned (because there is always one): Don’t settle…find real love with a provider!! Aaaaah :P